Tuesday, 28 June 2011

An Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on
display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a
gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

Sculpting an Elephant

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then chip
away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

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Cow on Track

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger
sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it
stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow

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Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fur?" and
the rabbit replies "No, not really."
“Great” says the bear as he picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

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Bacon and Eggs

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar…

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

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Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You’re going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?"
"No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

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An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says "No way buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathroom, and again he slurs
"Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again
the bartender says "You're too drunk." The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn
I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

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Friday, 24 June 2011

Surprise Dinner

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but
will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their
dad for the clue.

Well, he said, “It's what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams to her brother
“Don't eat it, it's an asshole.”

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Still Alive

Two drunks are in a bar.

First one: "My wife is an angel"

Second one: "You’re lucky! Mine is still alive."


Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"

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Strange Titles

There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." A guy walks in there and says
"I'm here for the pianist job." The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you're good
enough then you've got the job." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the
owner in tears.

"What a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks.
"It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin’ my brother!"
"Um, that's strange, but play us one more tune."
The man plays another tune and this time the manager breaks down with tears.
"What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frog takin’ a shit and the camel
with 3 humps!" he replies.

The manager told him that he had the job on one condition: he must not tell the
customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started playing that night. After
every song he would get a standing ovation.
After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take a
quick break and I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take
a slash.

On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you know your zips undone and your
cock’s hangin’ out!" "Know it, I wrote it!"

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Penguin in Bar

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen
my brother?" The barman asks "What does he look like?"

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Young Lady

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally
farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the
place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

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Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Infinite Wisdom

One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It
was a brilliant lecture.

Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and
approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give
you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."

Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a
magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first
words from a man with infinite wisdom.

He said, "It would have been wiser to take the money..."

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and a statistician?

A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while a
statistician wants more data.

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English Channel

Q - Where's the English Channel?

A - I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.

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Tuesday, 21 June 2011


Just before Thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keels
over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, “My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, Eddie says, “OK, now what?”

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Monday, 20 June 2011

English Teacher

An English teacher wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the
blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The girls wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Public Toilet

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already
occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo. How about you?"
I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry buddy, I'll have to call you back.

I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."


Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He Concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President
sits, head in hands. Finally he looks up and asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion??!'

Funny Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asks.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis
and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.
"Thank you," the woman said, "this may be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her
in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun?
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
the beads away, Frankie, our prayers have been answered!"

Friday, 17 June 2011

April Fool

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother.
The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will
come true!"
Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.
The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish
didn't come true!" and mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

Actual Call Center Calls

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we’re open."
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug
the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now,
can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number on."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK'
button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Two Drunks

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street
when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.  They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

Attorney and Witness

ATTORNEY: On July 25th
 you went by the duck enclosure on your farm.
ATTORNEY: So you passed within a few yards of the enclosure
ATTORNEY: Did you notice anything special?
ATTORNEY: Could you tell us what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
ATTORNEY: You saw George, the accused in this case?
ATTORNEY: Can you tell us what George was doing?
ATTORNEY: So, please tell us.
WITNESS: He had his thing in one of the ducks.
ATTORNEY: His ‘thing’?
WITNESS: You know… his dic… I mean his penis.
ATTORNEY: You passed near to the duck enclosure, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you clearly saw what you just described?
ATTORNEY: Did you say something to him?
ATTORNEY: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: I said “Morning George.”

Man With a Problem

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before
problems start!" The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer.  

After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems
start!" The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer.  

This goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused
and asks the man "What do you mean with before problems start? And when are you
going to pay for all the beers you drunk."  

The man answers "You see, now the problems start!"

Man With a Steering Wheel

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his trousers. The Bartender says,

"Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The man replies "I don't know, but it’s
driving me nuts".