Pregnancy

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


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Santa Claus

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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Honest Man

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On
their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they
ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother,
“Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and
an honest man.'”

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The Professional Lawyer

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my
spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice "How much
do you want it to be?"


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The Job

The personnel manager was explaining the job to an applicant. "We make parts for
microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an
inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a
delicatessen."

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Village BackSmith

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for
long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I
take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it
with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

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Hair Transplant

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist.
"I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you
can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you
$5000."
"No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.

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Cigarette machine

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar
tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette
vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts
screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says
"The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

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Library

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle
of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine
A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."



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Write That Down

A worker was called to the office by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.
Supervisor: "Is it true that you called him a liar?"
Worker: "Yes, I did."
Supervisor: "Did you call him stupid?"
Worker: "Yes."
Supervisor: "And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?"
Worker: "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

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