An Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on
display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a
gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

Sculpting an Elephant

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then chip
away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

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Cow on Track

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger
sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it
stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow
again?"

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Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fur?" and
the rabbit replies "No, not really."
“Great” says the bear as he picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

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Bacon and Eggs

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar…

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

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Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You’re going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?"
"No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

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Drunk

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says "No way buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathroom, and again he slurs
"Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again
the bartender says "You're too drunk." The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn
I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

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Surprise Dinner

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but
will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their
dad for the clue.

Well, he said, “It's what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams to her brother
“Don't eat it, it's an asshole.”

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Still Alive

Two drunks are in a bar.

First one: "My wife is an angel"

Second one: "You’re lucky! Mine is still alive."

Martini

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"

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