Too late

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." :D

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Only in Africa?

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know
his wife until he marries her?"
Father: "That happens in every country, son." :)

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Still Paying

A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the
father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." :D

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Millionaire

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" her friend asked.
"A billionaire" she replied. ;)

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Complete man

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. :p

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Revenge

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep
him. ;)

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Define Marriage

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done
for free.

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Two Friends

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend Johnny who was a midget. Suddenly,
out of nowhere, the Pope walks in!
Johnny turns to the guys and says, “That's it, I'm going ask him."
So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Your Holiness, are there midget nuns in New
York?", "No." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in America?" "No." says the Pope
"Are there midget nuns anywhere in the world?" "No." says the Pope.
His friends burst out laughing and start chanting, "Johnny screwed a penguin,
Johnny screwed a penguin..."

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Wife's Taunt :D

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and
were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."
The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we
could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

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Sympathy

The young lady, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a
man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"

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Husband Wanted

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

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After Quarrel

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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Actual Experience

The woman applying for work in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for
the job.
Foreman: "Look Miss, have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
Woman: "Well, as a matter of fact, yes! I've been divorced three times."

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Call The Doctor

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What
happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and pshhhhh! I
accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, then I had to call the doctor!"

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Professional Doctor

“Doctor” said the patient, “are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I once heard
of a doctor treating someone with pneumonia -- and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, that won't happen to me”, the doctor replied. “If I treat someone with
pneumonia he’ll die of pneumonia."

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Eat Properly

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left
ear and a banana in his right ear.
Man: "What's the matter with me?"
Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

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Very Bad News

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, you might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 hours! That’s terrible!! What could be worse?! What's the very bad
news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

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Surgeon

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid
we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."
Patient: "Well, if that’s all, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

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Pregnancy

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


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Santa Claus

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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