Santa Claus

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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Honest Man

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On
their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they
ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother,
“Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and
an honest man.'”

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The Professional Lawyer

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my
spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice "How much
do you want it to be?"


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The Job

The personnel manager was explaining the job to an applicant. "We make parts for
microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an
inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a
delicatessen."

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Village BackSmith

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for
long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I
take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it
with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

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Hair Transplant

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist.
"I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you
can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you
$5000."
"No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.

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Cigarette machine

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar
tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette
vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts
screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says
"The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

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Library

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle
of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine
A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."



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Write That Down

A worker was called to the office by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.
Supervisor: "Is it true that you called him a liar?"
Worker: "Yes, I did."
Supervisor: "Did you call him stupid?"
Worker: "Yes."
Supervisor: "And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?"
Worker: "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

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Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal-maker in history. He left not knowing where
he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not
knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

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New Employee

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the
shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

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Ice Cream

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom: "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son: "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom: "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son: "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up
one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom: "Now what do I do?"
Son: "Get your lazy ass out of bed, get downstairs, and fix that kid some f**king ice
cream."

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Doctors or Lawyers

Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in the park.
"All of my ancestors followed the medical profession." said the first.
"Doctors?" queried the second.
"Nope. Undertakers and lawyers."

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Theory Organization and Practice

Theory is when you know everything but nothing is working.
Organization is when nothing is working but everyone knows why.
Practice is when everything is working but no one knows why.


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Student and Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic
teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with
a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all
by yourself."

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New Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
"Didn't your company hire a new accountant just last week?” the friend asks.
“Yes”, the businessman replies, "that's the new accountant we're looking for."

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Earth

Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."



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Long Face

A big grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’d like a large bourbon
and ............................................................................................ a coke."
"No problem,” says the bartender, “but why the big pause?"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“No problem,” says the bartender, “but why the long face?”

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Lawyer

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a
bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hey there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing
it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

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Art Gallery

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it, and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"


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Find My Ear

There were two men in a building site.
One of them said "Can you help me find my ear"
The other one, holding up an ear, asked "Is this it"
"No” replied the first one, “mine has a pencil behind it"

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Chihuahua

A woman walks into a bar with her 5-pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this
guy, whom she notices is looking a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and suddenly throws up.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I
don't remember eating that!"

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No Lion

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe
drinks so much it passes out on the floor.
The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You
can't leave that lyin' there!"
The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! That's a giraffe."

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Sally's Legs

There was this guy whose favorite bar was called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar was closed, so
he waited outside for it to open.
He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked,
"What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can
get a drink."

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Toilet Paper

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy
seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"
He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't
know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem,
miss."
She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he
begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you tell the manager something for me?"
The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

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Cane and Alligator

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says
"Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, let’s see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it
in the gator’s mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head
with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick
without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

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Save The Drink

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this
beer, do not drink!"
After a few minutes he returns and there’s another sign next to his beer saying, "So
did I!"

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Plastic Surgery

A woman tells her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her
breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it
without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

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The Customer

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on
the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and orders another
double martini. After he finishes that one, he peeks inside his shirt pocket again and
orders yet another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta
tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, I know it's time to go home."

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Changing a Light Bulb

Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

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