Sympathy

The young lady, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a
man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"

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Husband Wanted

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."

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After Quarrel

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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Actual Experience

The woman applying for work in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for
the job.
Foreman: "Look Miss, have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
Woman: "Well, as a matter of fact, yes! I've been divorced three times."

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Call The Doctor

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What
happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and pshhhhh! I
accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, then I had to call the doctor!"

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Professional Doctor

“Doctor” said the patient, “are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I once heard
of a doctor treating someone with pneumonia -- and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, that won't happen to me”, the doctor replied. “If I treat someone with
pneumonia he’ll die of pneumonia."

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Eat Properly

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left
ear and a banana in his right ear.
Man: "What's the matter with me?"
Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

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Very Bad News

Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient: "Well, you might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "24 hours! That’s terrible!! What could be worse?! What's the very bad
news?"
Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

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Surgeon

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid
we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."
Patient: "Well, if that’s all, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

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Pregnancy

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


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Santa Claus

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the
street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

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Honest Man

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On
their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they
ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother,
“Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and
an honest man.'”

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The Professional Lawyer

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my
spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice "How much
do you want it to be?"


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The Job

The personnel manager was explaining the job to an applicant. "We make parts for
microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an
inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a
delicatessen."

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Village BackSmith

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for
long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I
take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it
with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

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Hair Transplant

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist.
"I went for a hair transplant" the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you
can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you
$5000."
"No problem," said the stylist and she quickly shaved her head.

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Cigarette machine

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar
tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette
vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts
screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says
"The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

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Library

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle
of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine
A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."



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Write That Down

A worker was called to the office by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.
Supervisor: "Is it true that you called him a liar?"
Worker: "Yes, I did."
Supervisor: "Did you call him stupid?"
Worker: "Yes."
Supervisor: "And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?"
Worker: "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"

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Christopher Columbus

Christopher Columbus was the best deal-maker in history. He left not knowing where
he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not
knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

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New Employee

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the
shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

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Ice Cream

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom: "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son: "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom: "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son: "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up
one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom: "Now what do I do?"
Son: "Get your lazy ass out of bed, get downstairs, and fix that kid some f**king ice
cream."

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Doctors or Lawyers

Two guys are talking while sitting on a bench in the park.
"All of my ancestors followed the medical profession." said the first.
"Doctors?" queried the second.
"Nope. Undertakers and lawyers."

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Theory Organization and Practice

Theory is when you know everything but nothing is working.
Organization is when nothing is working but everyone knows why.
Practice is when everything is working but no one knows why.


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Student and Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic
teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with
a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all
by yourself."

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New Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
"Didn't your company hire a new accountant just last week?” the friend asks.
“Yes”, the businessman replies, "that's the new accountant we're looking for."

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Earth

Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."



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Long Face

A big grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’d like a large bourbon
and ............................................................................................ a coke."
"No problem,” says the bartender, “but why the big pause?"
A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“No problem,” says the bartender, “but why the long face?”

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Lawyer

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a
bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hey there good looking, how's it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw
anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing
it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says: "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

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Art Gallery

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it, and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!"


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Find My Ear

There were two men in a building site.
One of them said "Can you help me find my ear"
The other one, holding up an ear, asked "Is this it"
"No” replied the first one, “mine has a pencil behind it"

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Chihuahua

A woman walks into a bar with her 5-pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this
guy, whom she notices is looking a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and suddenly throws up.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I
don't remember eating that!"

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No Lion

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe
drinks so much it passes out on the floor.
The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You
can't leave that lyin' there!"
The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! That's a giraffe."

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Sally's Legs

There was this guy whose favorite bar was called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar was closed, so
he waited outside for it to open.
He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked,
"What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can
get a drink."

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Toilet Paper

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy
seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"
He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't
know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem,
miss."
She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he
begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you tell the manager something for me?"
The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

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Cane and Alligator

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says
"Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!"
So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, let’s see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it
in the gator’s mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head
with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick
without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

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Save The Drink

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this
beer, do not drink!"
After a few minutes he returns and there’s another sign next to his beer saying, "So
did I!"

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Plastic Surgery

A woman tells her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her
breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it
without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

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The Customer

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on
the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and orders another
double martini. After he finishes that one, he peeks inside his shirt pocket again and
orders yet another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta
tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look
good, I know it's time to go home."

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Changing a Light Bulb

Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

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An Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on
display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a
gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

Sculpting an Elephant

A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: get a huge block of marble, then chip
away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

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Cow on Track

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger
sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it
stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow
again?"

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Bear and Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were having a shit in the woods.
The bear says to the rabbit "Don't you hate it when shit gets stuck to your fur?" and
the rabbit replies "No, not really."
“Great” says the bear as he picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

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Bacon and Eggs

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar…

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

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Psychic Hotline

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told "You’re going to meet a beautiful
young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?"
"No," says the psychic, "next term in her biology lesson."

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Drunk

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says "No way buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathroom, and again he slurs
"Give me a drink." Bartender says "No, man, I told you last time you're too drunk."
Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again
the bartender says "You're too drunk." The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn
I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

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Surprise Dinner

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but
will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their
dad for the clue.

Well, he said, “It's what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams to her brother
“Don't eat it, it's an asshole.”

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Still Alive

Two drunks are in a bar.

First one: "My wife is an angel"

Second one: "You’re lucky! Mine is still alive."

Martini

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"

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Strange Titles

There was a bar with a sign that read "Pianist Wanted." A guy walks in there and says
"I'm here for the pianist job." The owner says "Well, play us a tune and if you're good
enough then you've got the job." He sits down and plays a song that nearly puts the
owner in tears.

"What a great song! What's it called?" the manager asks.
"It's called, the dog with 2 dicks and my wife's doin’ my brother!"
"Um, that's strange, but play us one more tune."
The man plays another tune and this time the manager breaks down with tears.
"What do you call that song?" he sheepishly asks. "The frog takin’ a shit and the camel
with 3 humps!" he replies.

The manager told him that he had the job on one condition: he must not tell the
customers the names of the songs he is playing. He started playing that night. After
every song he would get a standing ovation.
After about 2 hours he stood up and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to take a
quick break and I will return in a few moments." So he ducked into the toilets to take
a slash.

On his way out a man passing said "Hey, do you know your zips undone and your
cock’s hangin’ out!" "Know it, I wrote it!"

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Penguin in Bar

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen
my brother?" The barman asks "What does he look like?"

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Young Lady

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally
farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red-faced, knowing that everyone in the
place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

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Infinite Wisdom

One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It
was a brilliant lecture.

Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and
approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give
you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."

Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a
magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first
words from a man with infinite wisdom.

He said, "It would have been wiser to take the money..."

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Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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Difference

Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and a statistician?

A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while a
statistician wants more data.


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English Channel

Q - Where's the English Channel?

A - I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.



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Dead

Just before Thanksgiving Jim and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim keels
over and collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
Eddie
gets out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, “My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, Eddie says, “OK, now what?”

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English Teacher

An English teacher wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the
blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it so that it made sense.

The boys wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The girls wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Public Toilet

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already
occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat
down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
I thought it a bit strange, but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad
thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo. How about you?"
I then heard the voice for the third time ....."Sorry buddy, I'll have to call you back.

I've got some dickhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Brazillion

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He Concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President
sits, head in hands. Finally he looks up and asks..........

''How many is a Brazillion??!'

Funny Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two
female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest asks.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?!"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the
Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis
and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.
"Thank you," the woman said, "this may be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her
in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and
praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun?
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
the beads away, Frankie, our prayers have been answered!"

April Fool

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother.
The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will
come true!"
Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.
The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish
didn't come true!" and mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

Actual Call Center Calls

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you
help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we’re open."
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug
the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now,
can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number on."
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK'
button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

Two Drunks

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street
when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.  They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do
that!" 

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

Attorney and Witness

ATTORNEY: On July 25th
 you went by the duck enclosure on your farm.
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: So you passed within a few yards of the enclosure
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Did you notice anything special?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Could you tell us what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
ATTORNEY: You saw George, the accused in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Can you tell us what George was doing?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: So, please tell us.
WITNESS: He had his thing in one of the ducks.
ATTORNEY: His ‘thing’?
WITNESS: You know… his dic… I mean his penis.
ATTORNEY: You passed near to the duck enclosure, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight, and you clearly saw what you just described?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Did you say something to him?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: I said “Morning George.”

Man With a Problem

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give me a beer before
problems start!" The bartender doesn't understand but gives the man a beer.  

After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again saying "Give me a beer before problems
start!" The bartender looks a little bit confused but pours the man a beer.  

This goes on the whole night and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused
and asks the man "What do you mean with before problems start? And when are you
going to pay for all the beers you drunk."  

The man answers "You see, now the problems start!"

Man With a Steering Wheel

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his trousers. The Bartender says,

"Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The man replies "I don't know, but it’s
driving me nuts".